Saturday, September 17, 2011

i am not stupid

 D.A.  flew at 6:01 PM

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Dear diary
feeling disgusted by the information i get
i was told that his hands had always been on someone's waist
i mean, i can accept it sometimes, maybe back then
when i noe that his heart is with me
but now, thinking abt it, it seems like a betrayal
i mean i dun do it to my frens
my fren told me that he's not exactly an angel in clubs
i mean,i used to believe that he's been a good boy
what actually hppd?
doesnt he believe in faith and monogamy anymore?
does it mean that he want to have an open r/s all along?
or isit that he has a flirty mind and he cannot keep his **** to one person
he needs to share with many others out there?
but really..
i had a hard time trying to sleep last night
perhaps cos i noe i'm controlling myself not to contact him
and also partly cos i was thinking that he must be enjoying himself with some new guys
i am not even considering that it'll be a single guy
i'm considering GUYS..
i really hope that he keeps his hands to himself
i mean, why spoil ur reputation in the circle?
in this circle, reputation is really impt
i was still wishfully thinking that i'll spend a bomb on his Xmas prezie
i was actually looking at a Globe chair that will cost like 1K
but now, i think i shld forget abt it
i realise something
ever since he started working
he has neva wanted to care for me
he only dismissed me with some meals and that's abt it
i was looking at some forums
he bidded 100bucks for a braun buffel shoe bag
WTF?!
why do u even need that?
materialistic needs?
i hope i will get over him soon
it may hurt alot now
i noe i am in damn alot of pain
but i also hope that i'll become stronger
i need to up my market value
i need to tone myself
jogging and exercising
no more excuses
who cares if i'm ending work later.. i shld still do my exercising
Tan! yes that's another thing
i'll aim for that..
make myself look better
make him regret all that he has done to me
ultimately i noe that i have damn alot of feelings for him
but thinking abt all the cheated feelings, it just irks me to the max

 D.A.  flew at 10:43 PM

Dear Diary
i've decided that i shld stop bothering him
in fact, i've decided that i shld stop giving him the joy knowing that there's someone who's so devoted to him and in a way boosting his ego
i noe it's painful
actually typing it here is better in a way
i no longer need to type to a profile that will never reply to me
i dun've to keep thinking that why he doesnt reply
at least when i type it here, i know he will never get to read it and i'll not have the tot of getting a reply
i wun think of how he responded when he read what i said
actually the last 3 wks plus has been nothing but a torture
today is one month after our 2 yr anniversary
if we were together, there will be so many things to do..
but now, it's just nothing
perhaps he is just preparing to go clubbing
queuing at the most popular aj club waiting to cuddle and rub shoulders with the many cuties there
actually i noe that i love him more than he loves me
it's not a healthy thing
there are many times when i feel that he made me special
i dun want to think too much already
my frens told me
he doesnt want to settle down w me
cos to him, he's young and adventurous
there are so much to explore outside
he's unlike me
ppl ard me are getting married and settling down
to me, i want to settle down w one person too
even though i noe that it's not gg to be accepted, but as long as we both love each other, it doesnt matter
but he's not at that phase yet
when he eventually reach that phase.. i wun be ard for him anymore
sometimes i wonder
can feelings really be disrupted like that?
can feelings really just disappear?
when death occurs, it doesnt just disappear too
the feelings and emotions linger on
like when he experience death in his family, the feelings doesnt disappear
it's like what is hppning to me now
i'm grieving
when it is suddenly lost, u cannot expect me to revert back to normal straight away
u urself want to be in loving memories of that special someone
don't u think i want to be in the same situation too?
p/s:
i still love him
but i noe i've to let go
he's a free bird. he needs to go and lavish in his youth
fuck ard and get to noe that sometimes feelings are very impt
sex without love is nothing but just frivolous sex
ultimately u will just hurt urself
i dun want to see that hppning to u
but i noe it'll be inevitable

 D.A.  flew at 5:35 AM

Saturday, July 15, 2006

"then yeah, i just laid home and then someone msged me... and wanted to get food for me... but then he wanted me to fetch him, get my food or maybe go somewhere to eat... then i said... i'm tired and i don't feel like driving out... and he said... nvm then... i should just stay with my friends... i mean what the heck!? u msged me and offered to buy food... now i don't fetch you, u just said nvm, u will stay with your friends! how sincere is that!? If you don't even have the intention in the first place, then stop asking me crap useless questions to give me false hopes! I'd rather be left alone rather than you trying to help and be nice... And yeah, don't msg me saying if u are hungry, just ask your maid to cook and drink lotsa water... don't you think u should msg that earlier and not say i get food for you!? i hate such people... not the first time i get this crap from this person.

Fine if you rather stay with your friends. I'm going to meet edric to walk by the beach and grab my dinner... I'm sick and tired of crappy nonsense from you. If you have nothing else to msg me, i suggest u just keep ur distance... And if you have anything that u think u can make up your complex mind, then let me know. Dont' give me false hopes."

i cant imagine that ppl can be so tired that they start spinning their own fairy tales.. i mean..seriously.. get a brain..
yes i may've offered a dinner takeaway.. and since i'm in TOWN, i expect that either u come and get it urself and thn go and eat ur dinner somewhere.. if not yah u can go somewhere else to eat.. noone is asking for a ride from you! noone needs a ride from you.. i'm not gg to become one of those frens of urs who always hitch a ride from you.. in fact, i told myself, i would not step into ur car again.. if u ever want to meet, u can jolly well juz wait at the place for me to arrive.. be it late or not.. i'll try not to be late.. but dun hve to think abt me sitting nxt to u in e car anymore.. and tt pretty much means there's no nxt time to visit ur place since ur place is not accessible by public transport n i dun see myself taking a cab down..
since u are tired and u dun feel like driving out, thn of cos my assumption will be u are not willing to come and pick up ur takeaway dinner.. dun start assuming tt i drove down to town to find a parking lot in town..and thn i can pack e dinner and deliver it to ur place.. right from the beginning of time, i dun've an intention to go to ur place.. u start fabricating ur own fairy tale and thn u start assuming alot of things and thn BOOM! here comes the nice entry in ur blog..
yes i've no intentions to go over to ur place.. and there was no indications as well.. i dunno why u start forming the false hopes and why u even think abt it.. since u've someone to hve dinner in mind with.. thn go and have ur dinner.. since u've someone else to go to e beach and hve dinner with.. thn go ahead.. seriously.. i cant care less already..
since u are not coming to get ur dinner anymore.. thn of cos the nxt best thing is to ask u to ask ur maid to whip up something for u to eat.. and thn since u are sun burnt from ur rendezvous at sentosa in the morning, of cos any tom dick or harry also noe that u shld rehydrate urself after sun tanning..
this is how amazing u can be.. from a simple "get food", u started ur whole story abt buying food from town, sending it to ur place and thn gg up to ur room and thn spending e nite in ur room with u.. and yada yada.. i've to bow to ur imagination..
and thanks for acknowledging that u've been getting crap from me.. trust me, i hve e same exact feeling too..
and yes.. i will keep my distance..

 D.A.  flew at 5:36 PM

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

《对的人 - 戴爱玲》


曲：Keith Stuart | 词：姚谦 | 编：
你问在我心中 是否还苦恼 那次受伤 否决了爱的好
谢谢你的关照 我一切都好 一个人 不算困扰

那次流过的泪 让我学习到 如何祝福 如何转身不要
在眼泪体会到 与自己拥抱 爱不是一种需要 是一种对照

虽然爱很美妙 却不能为了寂寞 又陷了泥沼

爱要耐心等待 仔细寻找 感觉很重要
宁可空白了手 等候一次 真心的拥抱
我相信在(这个)世界上 一定会遇到 对的人出现(在眼角)

能愿意为了一份爱付出去多少 然后得到多少并不计较
当我想清楚的时候 我就算已经准备好
放手去爱 海阔天高 喔--- 耶----

 D.A.  flew at 3:49 AM

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

i noe that it's dumb of me to even consider that he might still love me and come back to me.. e more i think of it.. e more i realise that i'm e only one who's gg to be hurt.. he'll juz hve to tell me and back into the guy's arms he can pop into.. being embraced and cared for.. whereas for me, i'll be all alone.. dunno who to turn to..
my frens are worried abt me.. they wan me to move on..
one of them told me, they are already happily together.. and since u guys have broken up.. why shld i still hold on to it? it's e blue star and the tot of him tt made me carry on with the trip in aussie.. i love him before.. and i still love him now..
actually i'm very scared.. my mind is workig out all e possibilities.. right now, as i'm typing this, he shld either be at the guy's place sleeping n cuddling with him.. or he'll be at his own place waiting for e guy to wake up and bring him to work at 10.. e more i think abt it.. e more afraid i get.. it's blatantly true to me, he has someone else in his life now.. but how come i'm still holding on?
if he din say tt he still loves me, will i be able to move on faster?
i realise that he has a lot ot give up if he's with me.. really alot..
i'm willing to change for him.. i wan to devote more of my time to him.. i am prepared to stand up against my parents.. i felt tt i'm ready to even juz move in with him n lead my life w him.. but now, it's all gone isnt it..
i wish i've e chance to tell him all this..
he's good fren with my ex now.. they are always playing mahjong together.. he'll not be happy if he had to stop playing mj with my ex.. and i'm sure my ex will prefer to play with him and his current.. i'm not a good player and i'm definitely not as frenly as his current ..
i dun want to compare myself with him anymore..
it's tiring to be thinking all e time abt such things..

 D.A.  flew at 5:41 PM

i hate myself for trying to deceive mysel that i dun really care
i tot i dun love him as much as i actually do.. but in fact, who am i trying to kid?
i told myself before i left..
choose the lesser of the 2 evils..
he wun be able to wait till i return, he'll surely be able to find someone else behind my back and he'll cheat on me.. i dun wan to hate him for cheating on me.. i dun wan to hate him for being unfaithful..
i left him.. i left him all alone and went to australia. i dun feel good abt it.. but i have already made my decision to go.. i noe he dun want me to go.. i hope i have stayed and not go to australia and be there for him.. i love him.. i dun wnat him to feel upset anymore.. but everything is too late.. i left..
5 weeks have past.. he told me whn i was still there that he was seeing someone else already.. i was hurt.. i was devastated.. i told myself.. the new guy will be able to give him happiness.. i was worried abt him.. he cough.. due to his asthma.. he cough out blood.. i was very worried.. i told him once and again to rmbr to tke his medications regularly.. i tot i was being magnanimous i was being nuts actually
how i can give up someone i love and let someone else take care of him? how can anyone actually be so stupid?
i came back.. i was unable to face e fact that he already have someone else in his life. he tok nothing else to me other thn that person.. one full hour and it's all abt him and him.. i cant imagine this hppning to me..
he told me i'm the one for him. i tot i am e one for him. i love him. and he said he'll always love me. but i guess, when ppl say that they will always love you, they only say tt whn there's no longer any more that can be carried on btw the 2 of you.. i really wanted to carry on.. i put up a false strong front. i told myself.. tke a last look of him..tke a good look at the place where it held so much memory before. i took e look.. and i wanted to cry.. thn the new guy called.. it hurts.. it hurts so much.. he had to go n call the guy.. i have to mke my way.. i hate myself. whn i walk out of the door, i wanted to juz run off to somewhere.. anywhere..
he said "yes" to the guy. they are officially together..
i suddenly feel very lost. i have lost the love of someone i love. i've lost the love of someone who said that i am the one for him. he told me that it's becos i'm upset that he managed to move on earlier thn me..
i hate myself

 D.A.  flew at 12:43 AM

Monday, July 25, 2005

it's over.. finally.. everything is over. he had given up. he felt that he's not good enuff for me. he wished that i can find someone better. now i felt wat i've done to my previous. i told him that he can find someone better n i decided to leave him back then. i realised that i din think for him at all..it's all my selfish thinking. it has always been abt me. like this time, it has always been abt him.
surprsingly, i read e horoscope today and it said, juz give tihngs up, the tigher u hold on to it, the more despair u get, cos the person will juz appear to be more heartless. i was like, how true can this get? i'm puzzled.
perhaps i shld think in another way, he's thinking in my shoe. he doesnt want to hurt me anymore. but somehow i cant let go of things straight away. i've to admit that he had long let go of me. from the very day he got together with the other guy, i shld've already let him go at that point of time. perhpas he's right. he's nt right for me. i shld treasure wat i've with me now and not go for something that's already out of my grasp. considering my qualities, i shld hve no lack of suitors. i'm tired of loving someone already.. let someeone come and love me thn.

 D.A.  flew at 5:48 AM

Friday, June 17, 2005

痛, 是因为面对面时,你依然当我是陌生人

 D.A.  flew at 6:52 AM